Isabelle's Room, Nollaig

The picture with the moses basket was taken July 2010. I had spent weeks planning and preparing Isabelle's room. I did bring her home after she was born and she did spend some time in that moses basket. I read to her and played soft music. It took me some time to remove the moses basket.

The second picture is Isabelle's room as it is today, 19th Oct 2011. It is full of pictures of Isabelle, candles, butterflies, other Isabelle related things and many books on grief. For the most part, spending time in the room brings me great comfort but sometimes my heart can't cope with the memories the room holds, and sometimes Isabelle's absence makes the room cold and uninviting. Sometimes I stand in the spot where I was when I was getting ready to say my final goodbye, the spot where I savoured one last cuddle before I put her into her coffin and my heart breaks all over again.

The third picture is of a painting that hangs on the wall in Isabelle's room. Back in January a dear friend told me she had a dream about Isabelle and described it to me in detail, she said the thing that stood out the most was Isabelle's "beautiful shiney brown hair." A few months later she gave me that picture, she said she saw it and felt compelled to buy it and and when she gave it to me she said "that's her."

I wish Isabelle's room was full of an active 15 month old Isabelle. I wish I was concerned about child proofing it and not taking a picture of it.

Nollaig

My Healing View, Nollaig

I took this picture on the 6th Oct 2011. My daughter Isabelle was born still on 13th July 2010 after 40 weeks of a dream pregnancy. My whole world fell apart.

The view in the picture is a view I spent many hours looking at after Isabelle died, I remember feeling very broken but alive. At the time I read a line in John O'Donohue's Anam Cara where he said: "In landscape, nothing is ever lost or forgotten." and to me this meant that all the emotions that poured out of me found a place in the landscape around me. Isabelle is in that landscape. I refer to that view as my "healing view". Nature's patience and presence helped to soothe my soul. The Irish weather means I can't always fully appreciate the view but I know it is there.

I am sitting on the ground in the picture but barely visible, a bit like how I feel as far as the rest of the world is concerned.

I am surrounded by Isabelle's presence and absence.