Thursday, June 9, 2011

An Explanation, Katie

An Explanation
by Katie.

I am mourning my miscarriage

I am mourning my pregnancy
I am missing the flutters and kicks of my baby in my body
I am missing the morning sickness and the aches and pains
I miss being so tired I could cry
I regret that I do not get to labor to bring my child into the light
I am sad that I don’t get to hear a cry and see a scrunched up red face covered in blood
I wanted to hold him to my chest and for the first time see his eyes

I am mourning my child
I am mourning first smiles, first grasps, first steps, and first words
I am missing snuggles and sweet smelling baby hair
I am crying because I will never change a dirty diaper and never have my sick child puke all over my shirt
Never wipe his grubby fingers, never clean a muddy face
Never have the chance to clean the pee off my carpet when I mess up potty training
I will never have his hands reach for my shirt
Never have him run to my arms
Never hear him say mama
I am mourning lost Christmas pictures with Santa Claus
I am mourning lost shopping trips when shoes become too tight
I am mourning lost walks in the park, trips to the zoo, and pushes on the swings at the playground
I am mourning lost first days of school
I am missing finger-painted hand prints stuck on my refrigerator
I am missing piano recitals, sports practices, field trips and birthday parties
I am missing Sunday mornings in church with wiggles and shushing

I am mourning my child
I am mourning the fact that I do not get to see him graduate, marry, and have a family
I am mourning the fact that my words of wisdom, my love, and my tears have no landing place
I want to give kisses and hugs
I want to give lectures and groundings
I want to make the mistakes my parents made
I want to be a better parent than my parents

I am crying because until my baby died I didn’t even realize I had made plans
Seen his whole life and calculated my place in it
I am mourning the fact that every day I am missing something important
I am mourning my child
I am mourning my pregnancy
I am mourning my miscarriage


about the piece.
After I had a first trimester miscarriage in August of 2010 I felt like people didn't understand why I was so upset. I had a friend tell me that it shouldn't be this difficult for me because my baby never even got a chance to really live. I tried to explain my grief to her but didn't feel like I expressed it well. I went away, thought about it, and I wrote this poem to try to explain and articulate exactly what I was mourning. - Katie

about the artist.
My name is Katie I had a first trimester miscarriage in August of 2010. It was an unplanned pregnancy and I was all by myself but I wanted my baby from the moment I knew I was pregnant. I never found out the gender but while I was pregnant had dreams about a little boy, so I named my baby Nathan. Writing has always helped me unravel my feelings and it has been especially helpful in dealing with the mixture of regret, sadness, relief, and shock of this whole experience.


  1. Katie, this poem says it all so well.

  2. That about sums it up! Thanks for sharing!

  3. I don't think anyone understands it until it happens to them.

    Your poem definitely says it very well.

    Praying that you've found some peace.

  4. That pretty much sums it up. (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

  5. It's so unfair that people want to try and label grief and give it different levels of importance. I hate having to justify myself to those who can't or wont understand. Your poem is a perfect expression of that loss of hope.


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