So nearly beautiful, Michael

So nearly beautiful
by Michael

So nearly beautiful
Seeing the images on the scan
The clock stops, the doctor speaks
And all the beauty is gone


So nearly beautiful
Hugs with midwives and tears
The pain of labour
The first glimpse of our child
Holding our daughter in our arms
Saying the special words, saying goodnight


So nearly beautiful
The drive home from hospital
The sleepless nights, the restless wander
The mother’s milk all ready to feed her
The cards and the flowers
The family and friends visiting


So nearly Beautiful
Planning her special day in church
Walking down the aisle, daughter in hand
Giving her away


So many reminders of what might have been
All was lost with her heartbeat
All so nearly Beautiful
So near
So far

:::

about the poem.
In Michael's words:

 "A few days after my daughter Abigail was stillborn in October 2008, I was overcome by the similarities between the happiest day of my life (the birth of my healthy son) and the saddest (Abigail's stillbirth).  So many things were the same or similar, but instead of bringing joy, they reminded us of what we had lost.  The first draft of this poem was written in about two minutes as all the images lined up on the page.  I then crafted it a bit more for Abigail's funeral where it was read to try to give people a window into our grief.  As Abigail's father, I walked her small white coffin down the aisle - yet one more reminder of what I would hopefully have done years in the future on her wedding day.

"A few structural things are worth pointing out.  First, time stops in the third line and after that the immediacy of the comparative images (a happy versus a sad birth) stretches out over the lifetime that was lost (e.g. to the difference between a funeral and a wedding day years in the future).  Second, there is a sense that Beautiful changes from an adjective describing events at the start of the poem, to a proper noun at the end - Beautiful is a name for my Daughter.  So nearly Beautiful..."

about the poet.
Michael says, "To be honest, I hardly see myself as a poet at all!  This was actually the first ever poem I ever wrote in my life and was very much born out of overwhelming emotions.  That said, poetry has been a very useful way for me to process what I am feeling and open my grief up to others."

After the birth of  their son, Michael and his wife struggled with infertility.  When they finally conceived, they were overjoyed.  At the 20 week scan, they were told there was a problem and there followed the most intense period of their lives.  For thirteen weeks Michael and his wife tracked the ups and downs of their daughter's fight for life.  In October 2008 on the day of a planned c-section, they were told their daughter had died.  She was stillborn two days later.  "We grieve her loss but we also treasure her memory," says Michael, "especially now that we have been told we cannot have more children."  Michael shares his journey at Living in the Rainbow.