Should, Emma

Should
by Emma

I should be treasuring the moment you were born, kicking & screaming,
Instead you were born silently into this world.

I should be holding & loving you in my arms sweet Evie,
Instead I look at your ashes, and dream of holding you just once more.

I should be playing with your little hands & tickling your not so little feet!
Instead I get to look at your hand & footprints on the parchment paper.

I should be touching your gorgeous face & playing with your hair,
Instead of treasuring the precious lock of your hair that we got to keep.

I should be cradling you until you fall asleep each night,
Instead of lighting a candle for you every night.

I should be taking so many photos of you sweet pea,
Instead I treasure the photos of when you were born,
the one and only time we got to take them of you.

I should be buying beautiful dresses for you to wear & toys for you to play with,
Instead of buying things to keep your memory alive.

I should be reading story books to you,
Instead of reading books on grief & losing a baby.

I should be buying baby wipes to wipe your bottom,
Instead of buying boxes of tissues to wipe my tears.

I should be enjoying my time with you & my other mummy friends,
Instead of making friends with angel mummies who feel exactly the same pain as me.

I should be looking forward to family celebrations,
Instead of dreading them, because you are not here to share them with all of us.

I shouldn’t have any spare time any more, you should be taking up all of my waking moments,
Instead, I’ve got all the time in the world to do anything I want, but not actually wanting to do anything,

I should be imagining what you would be & do in the future,
Instead I dream of the nine months I spent with you growing in my tummy.

I shouldn’t have to get used to you not being here with us,
Instead I realise that my world will be a different one from now on,
Because you aren’t here with us.
Miss you so much Evie May xxx

:::

about this piece.
Emma describes her piece, "This is something that I wrote in May, I felt so down thinking of all the things I should be doing with Evie, but aren't!"

about the contributor.
Emma is a mummy for the first time to Angel Evie May. She was born asleep into this world on February 6th 2010 at 41 + 3 weeks gestation. She is so proud that Evie made her a mummy, but heartbroken to live without her. Emma blogs at For Evie May.