Friday, February 12, 2010

If I Wished on Wishes, Julie Cozens

If I Wished on Wishes
by Julie Cozens

Memories are the places I go to enjoy.
Time spent quietly with my little boy.
Sometimes others see that I've gone.
Mostly, before they know it, I'm home.
Longer vacations might take all day.
Those are the days I stay in pj's.


Since I lost you, I can't stop searching.
I do it without even thinking.
I've googled your name, and searched the maps,
Checked the Thomas Streets with the IPhone Earth app.
You're not on the social networking sites either.
The picture isn't yours on Facebook friend finder.

If you had email, I'd send you one every day.
If you had a mobile, I would SMS, "Hey :-)"
If you were here, I would take your picture.
And that cute T-shirt, it now would have fit you.
I'd round up a million memories of you as you are,
and store them all away in my heart.

I know you are somewhere nearby,
not in the ground and not in the sky.
You are somewhere that I cannot go,
I'll still keep on looking for you, even though,
I know it won't be you when I get close
(because life is better when lived with hope).

It's just not fair that you went so soon,
I know you were ready, I suppose I was too,
And I know its not a permanent goodbye.
But I miss you. I miss you all of the time.
And, if I wished on wishes, my wish would be to
hold you again, and remember every part of you.


about the poem.
Julie talks about the poem If I Wished on Wishes: "I do not normally write poetry but in this poem, I was giving voice to the search that I found myself on after Thomas died. I felt driven to look for him, to keep checking in prams, to mentally compare him to other babies I saw when I was out and about, to check clothes for sale, to buy toys. I actually caught myself scrutinizing a satellite map of the hospital where he died. I have typed his name into and checked the picture. I still have the phone number for his hospital room in my mobile phone contacts."

about the poet.
Julie Cozen's son Thomas was born in October 2007. In Julie's words, "I was 42 years old, I was already the Mum of three children, aged 11, 21 and 23. He was born with many health challenges and needed surgery to save his life. He was just not well enough to survive the surgery. Thomas died aged 135 days old in February 2008. I am trying to live around my broken heart."


  1. Sniff. :( The lines 'I know you were ready, I suppose I was too' really stood out for me because you know I've been there too.

    Thanks for sharing Julie.

  2. A very different look at grief that really got me thinking. I went into facebook and typed the name of my daughter and it was so moving to see girls at Uni full of life with my daughter's name - a shadow of what might have been. Sigh.

    Thanks for sharing and peace to you

  3. Thank you both for your comments. It was my pleasure to share. Thanks Angie for having this forum, and bringing grieving people together.

    Sophie, its was a hard line to write, about making that unthinkable decision after such dedicated belief and hope for a future. Sorry for wounding you afresh.

    livingintherainbow I am glad you could connect and glimpse my take on grief. I have looked at your blog and read some about Abigail too. Peace to you too.

  4. Oh man, that poem really tugs at my heartstrings. My babies were lost too early to have names so I don't experience that quite the same way you do but I can imagine experiencing things the same way you have if my losses had been later.

  5. i too did searches for my daughter. i found an Aquila Jade on facebook which floored me. she actually accepted my friend request. as strange as it is i actually feel comforted to have her on my friends list...


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