Thursday, October 14, 2010

You Were Meant To Live, Hope Wood

You Were Meant To Live
by Hope Wood

Life is not as it should be
Blessings still abound
God is still God
Endless mounds of sorrow
Life’s constant companion
Reality has been altered
Something sacred slipped away
Two lifetimes suddenly gone
Out of reach, just beyond grasp
A grand canyon between our worlds
Faces of a family forever altered
In need of mending yet unable to see completion
Landscape of life suddenly shifted

You were meant to live alongside us all
To breathe in of earth and all that life was created to be
It is not better that you died, you were meant to live
It was not a matter of timing or for the best
Heaven was not your intended destination yet
Death is not God’s heart cry for His creation
Life is not as it should be
You were meant to live

God cries with me
He feels the grief as well
He allows death yet desires life
Such tearing in the fabric of life & family
Such cutting grief - down to the marrow
Such parting was never meant to be
Such grieving not part of His Plan
Life cut short not from need for you there
Gone not to punish
The piercing of life in a fallen world
Life is not as it should be
You were meant to live

I hear the echoes of your voices calling my name
I imagine the weight of you in my arms
I almost know the softness of your hair beneath my touch
I dream of kissing your plump cheeks and the feel of your skin
I can envision the twinkle in your eyes
Almost hear the sound of your giggles
I imagine the delight as you discover new things
I almost taste the salt of your tears
I dream of rocking you
Every song I sing is for you too
Every book I read for you as well
Every prayer carrying kisses & hugs
Every tender word uttered, all the love expressed
For all my children, in my arms or only in my heart
I stand in awe that I was chosen to carry you
Grateful for every moment
Every sensation, every movement
Every heartbeat heard
I know you know my voice still
Life is not as it should be
You were meant to live

Two unique ones, fully human, eternal souls
Cute fingers, pudgy toes
There will be no replacement with the next one
No coming back in another rounded belly
You graced my womb
You now grace the beauty of Heaven
You are real, waiting for us
You are being held & loved
These are my best comforts
Life is not as it should be
You were meant to live

Who were you meant to be?
How would you have taken up space in this life?
What would have brought you love, laughter, & tears?
Your first step, Your first word
You vanished, we grasp at shadows
How our lives have altered beyond perceiving
Our hearts broken with no lasting present repair
Forever changed
Nothing is the same as it was
Colors look different now
Fragility & significance of life painfully known
Wounds too deep for words
Aches a mommy & daddy were never meant to feel
A child is a child no matter how long they are w/ us
Grief is still grief, the shape of it changing w/ time
The healing of all wounds doesn’t happen w/ time
Time is not the healer or enemy
Time is simply time
Life is not what it should be
You were meant to live

Being your mommy has brought a new me
A better person for the affliction
New world of awareness
New level of expansion
Eyes wide open
Nothing taken for granted
Better only by God’s power through loss
His comforting Hand, saving grace
What buried me, what almost took my life as well
God used to create a different me, a different family
Even so, Life is not what it should ultimately be
You were meant to live

I imagine our reunion
Envision our eternal lives unfolding together
I trust in a God good enough to fill all the empty places with wholeness
Heaven holds new meanings now
The promise of knowing you fully, no stage missed
What was stolen now will be restored
The promise of a God who redeems
Who will bring new birth to all that was taken away
Reunion of siblings lost to one another oh so long
A mother’s heart forever unbroken at last
A father’s arms overflowing with no child of his missing
You were all meant to live
Life will one day be what it should be

(In Honor of Zoe & Addie and all lost little ones, 5/21/10)


about the poem.
This poem was a long time coming, after three gut-wrenching years of grief with hardly any support and even friends walking away. I hope and pray this poem that God gave me will somehow comfort, encourage, validate, and even a tiny bit bring some needed healing to others walking this road of grief.  -Hope

about the poet.
My journey of grief began on March 21, 2007 and still continues today. Zoe Elizabeth is my second daughter. She was found to have died in utero at 20 weeks and after being induced she was stillborn one week later. They found I have Factor V Leiden & MTHFR gene mutation, which were most likely the cause of death. We could not believe our first child (Abigail Hope) survived and was born healthy before we even knew I had any healthy problems. We got pregnant exactly one year after Zoe died with our third child, Isaiah David. He was born healthy with lots of medical intervention and a lot of prayer and angst! Our fourth child, Addie Kate, was found to have a very low heart rate on 3/24/10 at 8 weeks (my perinatologist had allowed me to already have heard her heartbeat 3 times since five weeks gestation) and no heartbeat at all the very next day. We had a D & C the following day. Both of my sweet girls that are out of my reach have changed me beyond words. --Hope


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