Richer for having You, Jesse Gilad, Janice

Richer for having You, Jesse Gilad
by Janice

being Your mom not able to hold You rips me apart with every thought
blessed to have held You within for 37 weeks & 6 days

unaware of the journey we had embarked upon
can I choose another journey & turn back time?

You lay silently for three days within
safely
comfortable then & at rest
following Your personal challenges to get there
sorry I didn’t know
sorry I was unaware
sorry I did nothing to keep You alive

if I could choose, I would make it different
all out of my control
not in my hands
powerless to protect you

destined to be together & set so deeply apart
wish I could change that part of our journey
I miss You deeply
my words cannot express
my heart pines for Your sweet little face
Your voice to be expressed

I miss Your smell
I miss Your rosy lips
Your button nose
Your tiny cheeks, chubby & waiting to be kissed by me
over & over without reprieve

Your almond eyes softly closed
Your angelic face is etched onto my soul
Your tiny toes borrowed from me
Your lovely long legs like daddy’s they would be
Your little bum too tiny to hold
showed a strong constitution by Your long ear lobes
alas a short lived placenta destroyed Your potential
crumbling our hearts, it is nonsensical

I remember Your strength
I remember Your wisdom
I recall Your firm reassurance
Your guidance is remember by me forever more

shattered by You not physically being with us
expectations differ from reality

we mourn our loss of Your life
we mourn Your vacant room
so desired, so expected & so precious to us both

we created You
You chose us
a perfect male
beauty beyond my wildest dream
unexpected preciousness
treasured more than anything before
we will be with You forever more

:::

about this piece.
Once written I read these words to my mom over the phone, we both cried and I had great difficulty reading the words aloud. Although so much seems challenging to me I am pleased, somehow, to have written and to be able to really let people know how I feel. I find the expression of my internal world helpful to both myself and those willing to spend the time to listen while holding the space for me to do so. 

I believe my son Jesse to have been an extraordinary Being. Jesse is my first child. While carrying him he offered me so much support and reassurance. True wisdom emanated from him in expressions without words and entrenched in feelings. I observed this especially towards the latter aspects of my pregnancy with him. He is my Teacher. I miss Jesse beyond my ability to express its depth. My shattered heart aches for him. I expected him and expected life to be so different following his birth. --Janice

about the contributor.
Janice’s son Jesse was stillborn at 37 weeks and 6 days in May 2010. Grief seems to be all encompassing on some days and has so many facets. Writing has allowed me an outlet. I’ve never taken the opportunity to put my thoughts to paper. On the day I wrote this there was such a tremendous flow of my expression through words. This is one of the pieces I wrote that I wish to share with the world. I have felt a release through this expression albeit brief.