You Kept All My Tears, Franchesca Cox

You Kept All My Tears
by Franchesca Cox

The day Jenna died and I walked away from the hospital with empty arms
I cried so many tears my face hurt and my soul felt dead
Life was changed
Death was real
And I wondered if
anybody knew about my tears.

The day of the funeral came
And I wondered why I had to go through all this,
I cried on the way there and all through the service
I cried and we couldn't even drive ourselves to the gravesite
I began convincing myself
that nobody knew about my tears.

Slowly the world began to shift and my ground became unstable
Unable to keep pace with the rest of the world
I fell behind
And I was convinced
that nobody knows about my tears.

I hide behind closed doors and rush out of crowds
Tears build up
Behind sore eyes and a shattered spirit
Forced into this secret society of broken hearts
And I am convinced
that nobody knows about my tears.

I grieve my loss of motherhood
The need to hold her makes me sore
The feeling that I have been robbed
Every time a mother holds her living baby closely
I am convinced
that nobody knows about my tears.

Driving home my mind starts to wander
What she would have been like?
How she should be in the backseat
Snuggled safely in that four-door sedan I picked over a year ago because we wanted her...
I am convinced
that nobody knows about my tears.

The scar that my body wears replays that night she was born
How it happened, and why
The scar that means she happened
Too quickly...
I am convinced
that nobody knows about my tears.

I sit alone most days
Avoiding the inevitable and meaningless conversations
That I just cannot care about
I feel I am losing myself in this grief
I am convinced
that nobody knows about my tears.

But someday when I die, Lord,
You tell me that you knew
You didn't let my tears dry up on the ground,
You kept them close to you.
In that bottle where our tears our stored
To show us just how much you cared
You saw me cry every time I convinced myself
that nobody knew...

:::

about the poet.
Franchesca's firstborn daughter, Jenna Belle, passed away after 13 days of fighting for her life in the NICU. No diagnosis was ever confirmed, although a genetic disorder was suspected. It is Franchesca's hope that Jenna's short visit to our world will make a difference in someone else's life forever. Franchesca maintains a blog about her experience at Handprints from Heaven. She also helps bereaved families by creating a Hope Collage of their child's name.