Tarot, Jenni

Tarot
by Jenni

My friends write resolutions,
pull their tarot cards.
They turn to the future.

I just live right here,
broken in a few different
pieces.

I knew the future.
Her name was Hope.
I liked to spend time with her.
Time traveler me,
with a bindi and an open heart.
Time traveler me,
with a transformation engine
churning away at my core.

My antenna are up, pull me a card.
Spirit speaks and everything changes.
I want to know
What is next?
Teach me more.
Pull up stakes.
Away we go.

For a while now, that engine is cold.

I take a card.
There is a woman.
Her knees are on the ground.
Her arms are in the air.
Spirit is moving through her hands
like water.

A year ago,
a girl who looks like me:
Teach me more.
Away go we.

My friends wait.
I smile and put my card back.
Do you want my prediction?

I will bake another loaf of bread.
I will pick up my daughter at school.
I will have a loud laugh with you.
I will feel inadequate.
I will worry in the night
that someone I love has died.
In the morning
I will do the dishes.

The future is a girl named Small.
The future is a girl called Wait.

:::

about the poem.
In Jenni's words, "This poem expresses how small life can feel during intense grief. It is also about separation and difference. Along with my precious daughter, I seem to have lost my sense of adventure; a feeling of spiritual connectedness; the ability to relate to my long-time friends; and confidence in my future. It's like losing several limbs at once, though I am told they can regrow, like starfish arms, over time."

about the poet.
Jenni's daughter, Angel Mae, was delivered prematurely at 20 weeks on February 28, 2009. She writes about her grief journey, and about adventures in step-mothering, at Demeter's Feet.